Feelings of Insecurity
Maaaannn I haven't posted in a while, but ummm, maybe that just has to do with the fact that we just had a destructive ass hurricane blow thru here. Thanx, Wilma!!! Anyway, so Wilma left me without power, but we haven't been doing too badly. Better than some folks I think, cuz at least we get to cook.
Anyway, lemme get to what I really wanna talk about. My friends and I left the disaster region for more well lit areas up north and since we've been going around and hanging out, the same disastrous feelings that I started to feel many years ago in college and continue to feel today almost fucking DROWNED me again.
We were all hanging out in an area on campus where a lot of students hang out. My friends were greeting people left and right that they knew. But me, I wasn't greeting anybody. This made me feel terrible because it feels like they know a lot of people and I don't. And when I think about that, I think that somehow makes them "cooler" than me. I know that's not a logical thought for an adult, but I can't really sum it up any other way. Well, actually, not that it makes them cooler than me, but I feel like I wasted time in college.
I start thinking "why don't i know these people?" I start thinking that "normal" students [whatever that means] would know more people than I do. I just think I wasted my time in college on being by myself when I should've been out exploring and getting to know people. But I was on my "insecure tip" for about 80% of my time in school, so I wasn't even thinking about just living and getting to know people. So now, I think I've basically missed my opportunity to be a sociable college student and when we reminisce, i have no idea who they are talking about. Actually, I might know OF the person, but I never really talked to them. I just feel left out is all, and that always happens when whoever I'm around is greeting people all over the place and I'm just sitting there like a fucking moron.
I don't even know if what I'm explaining is making any sense. If someone were to read this, theyd probably say "what the hell are you talking about??" I know these thoughts are crazy, but they are just ONE of the many crazy and insecure things going on in my head.
What I'm trying to do from now on is to not give these feelings any ground to stand on. If the thoughts come in my head or if I start feeling bad, I just gotta think positive and ignore them. But that's hard as fuck, man!! Once your mind is fucked, your fucked and it's a bitch to think the right way and on the right track.
anyway, I've babbled enough. peace and one love.
Anyway, lemme get to what I really wanna talk about. My friends and I left the disaster region for more well lit areas up north and since we've been going around and hanging out, the same disastrous feelings that I started to feel many years ago in college and continue to feel today almost fucking DROWNED me again.
We were all hanging out in an area on campus where a lot of students hang out. My friends were greeting people left and right that they knew. But me, I wasn't greeting anybody. This made me feel terrible because it feels like they know a lot of people and I don't. And when I think about that, I think that somehow makes them "cooler" than me. I know that's not a logical thought for an adult, but I can't really sum it up any other way. Well, actually, not that it makes them cooler than me, but I feel like I wasted time in college.
I start thinking "why don't i know these people?" I start thinking that "normal" students [whatever that means] would know more people than I do. I just think I wasted my time in college on being by myself when I should've been out exploring and getting to know people. But I was on my "insecure tip" for about 80% of my time in school, so I wasn't even thinking about just living and getting to know people. So now, I think I've basically missed my opportunity to be a sociable college student and when we reminisce, i have no idea who they are talking about. Actually, I might know OF the person, but I never really talked to them. I just feel left out is all, and that always happens when whoever I'm around is greeting people all over the place and I'm just sitting there like a fucking moron.
I don't even know if what I'm explaining is making any sense. If someone were to read this, theyd probably say "what the hell are you talking about??" I know these thoughts are crazy, but they are just ONE of the many crazy and insecure things going on in my head.
What I'm trying to do from now on is to not give these feelings any ground to stand on. If the thoughts come in my head or if I start feeling bad, I just gotta think positive and ignore them. But that's hard as fuck, man!! Once your mind is fucked, your fucked and it's a bitch to think the right way and on the right track.
anyway, I've babbled enough. peace and one love.
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